As the year draws to an end and we start to make our ‘New Year, New Me’ Resolutions, I’ve had some time to reflect on the challenges, changes, and life lessons this year has presented.

New friendships were formed as some old ones fell through the cracks. But life has a way of giving you only what you can handle. And when it does get too much, the most unlikely bonds are created that make you question how you ever managed without them.

For me, the year started with a plan focusing on 4 main pillars; Writing, Singing, Career and Health.

Or as I’ve labelled them in this piece; Courage, Fear, Determination and Empowerment.

‘Courage’

The first step was writing my thoughts and sharing them with the world. Writing started as a creative outlet to let steam off and emotions into a journal or a note on an iPad. But I had an overwhelming desire to share my thoughts with everyone, as I felt like people didn’t know who I truly was. I didn’t realise it at the time, but upon reflection it was my own cry for help to come to terms with who I was as a person. Self identifying if you will.

It was an outlet that changed my own perceptions of myself. It was often raw, thought provoking, encouraging, and sometimes dishearteningly real.

Reading back though this years blogs, I can see the journey that I’ve taken, the challenges I’ve had to overcome, and also the ones that are still prevalent.

The reason I share these, is to try and spark an internal dialogue perhaps you didn’t know you needed. But todays post is more so targeted at self reflection.

‘Fear’

This year I took a stance, and followed a ‘forever’ passion of mine and sought out a vocal coach. What most people don’t know about me, is I absolutely love to sing. Music has been a prime motivator in almost everything I have done in life. When I need empowerment, the lyrics find me. When I need to sulk, the lyrics speak to me. Everything about music gives me strength.

I took lessons for the better part of the year with a very talented coach, and she not only pushed me to places I didn’t think were possible, she empowered me to own my voice. Something I’ve been fearful of my whole life.

Although I’ve now recorded so many covers and even written a few songs, I’m yet to break down that final barrier. Judgement.

The fear of rejection has crippled me to a new reservation that I know in time I will overcome. In the meantime, the only way to hear it, is to get in on the carpool karaoke with me. It’s my safe place. But there will come a time soon where I will extend that place and share. The lesson I need to learn here is to not care. It’s just incredibly hard to overcome something that is so personal. It’s not a work ethic, it’s me, my voice and my soul. But mark my words, It will happen.

The only regrets in life are the risks we didn’t take

‘Determination’

After working day in and out in my previous roles, I decided I would tackle one of the hardest things in any career that seems so unobtainable. And that’s Work/Life Balance.

When you want to dive headfirst in your role, it’s not necessarily a negative connotation. However, something always has to give. And it’s usually a passion or hobby that you love to do. And these are crucial parts that make up who you are.

Now I sit here as I write, having already done the inane house chores, gym, spent time with the family, saw my friends and even belted out some tunes. The trick is to not let the thoughts of all you have to do, get in your way of actually doing those things. I work off a list. If it’s not on the list, it wont happen. Somewhat planning if you will.

What some people on the outside don’t realise about being a flight attendant is, that’s it’s much like shiftwork, but heightened. We live on our own Timezone. We often ask ourselves, what day is it? Where am i? Is this a work day?

Yes this can be incredibly challenging when you’re trying to catch up with people who live in the 9-5 world. But it’s not impossible.

What I learnt here is that I finally work to live, not the other way around. When I’m at work, that’s my complete and utter focus. But when I’m off, i’m off.

“Empowerment”

For those that have known me for a long time, will have known that my weight has always been a touchy subject. Growing up I was skinny, then at age 10 became a fat kid on weightwatchers, to my late teenage years which saw an overactive thyroid and I became a rake again, and then to my 20s where It all came back thanks to that damn thyroid pulling the reverse card on me.

So the last two years I’ve been trying to learn what it means to be ‘healthy’. I tried many diets, personal trainers, solid training programs, and yes they worked for a short time. But one thing was lacking to stay on track.

Personal Determination.

My reasons for wanting to achieve these goals were to please virtually anybody else. And they may have at the time, but they never really brought me internal satisfaction.

No matter what I did, what I saw in the mirror was “chunky butt” and “love handles”.

Until now. For the first time, I look in the mirror, and I feel proud. Proud that I’ve dedicated myself to a program that I wrote thanks to the education of my old trainers and nutritionalists.

And I think this is why I’ve stuck to it for the last 2 months and am seeing results I never saw before. When you are determined to do something for yourself, and you pour you heart into it, you challenge yourself to new heights. You don’t settle for a plan, you challenge it, you increase the weight, you increase the sessions. You push yourself to the point of exhaustion, and you keep going.

You hold yourself accountable for your results, because it’s not someone else you’re letting down, it’s yourself.

However,

There is a dark side to that too.

As your exterior changes so do people’s perception of you. When you have self love and respect, it can be mistaken for a vein personality. Perhaps it’s peoples view of “you exercise everyday, you must be a stuck up gym junkie” rather than “oh you’re determined, you want to look after yourself because of your past”

The mirror will always be deceiving if you look at what you don’t have.

For me, the feelings I once saw in the mirror; brokenness, feeling worthless and undeserving, came from past relationships. But it’s now my motivation. And something I feel I need to prove to myself.

Your exterior doesn’t define the soul inside. Let the soul inside, define your exterior

The best result I’m so thankful for is the calmer mental state the endorphins have aided. The ability to process difficult situations happens a lot quicker and almost seamlessly. It certainly helped with dealing with the country’s debate on same sex marriage, and also with the tough conversations I had with my family over it.

You can’t change your history and some events will always have a traumatising affliction attached. But you can change how quickly you identify irrational behaviour. And being able to see it externally from your own eyes makes for a rational internal discussion.

I am not perfect. I have battle scars that will haunt me for a long time to come. But that doesn’t mean I need to feel inadequate. And neither should you.

We all have feelings that we don’t quite ‘fit in’. But that’s exactly what brings us together

This year, I had the privilege of getting to know someone inside and out. Someone I share absolutely every part of my life with now. What I’ve gained from our honest, raw, and sometimes blunt friendship, I have never gotten elsewhere in my life. If there’s one thing I’m most proud of this year, it’s the bond that I’ve created with this individual. Not only have they inspired me to be better and followed me on my personal journeys, they have also managed to ground me when anxiety has taken control. And that came from letting them in when I couldn’t carry myself any further.

Don’t ever fear opening up to someone. Sometimes letting people in to see your true self (good, bad and hideous) enables us to grow exponentially.

The year is almost out, and whether you look back with fondness or not, there will always be lessons to be thankful for.

We are running our own race, so remember we set the pace. Don’t be disheartened by what other people are doing. Focus on your journey, where your only competitor is your reflection.

Until Next Year xoxo

#natsperspective