Can you remember your last heart stopping date?
For some of you, it’ll be the first time you met your current partner.
For some, it was the start of a beautiful short lived romance.
And for others, it was the time you felt incredible and so sure of that person, only to find that the feelings were reciprocated.
Where am i getting to?
Let’s talk about the ‘Gays’, and our innate fear of ‘settling’ for something short of perfect.
We have all been on both sides of the table, but have we spent the time to delve into the root cause of what brings on the ‘ick’?
Because once it’s there, it seems like there is no chance of recovery. But what can we do about it?
The lifestyle of a gay man can be pretty provocative, full of temptations presenting in many different avenues.
These days however, the ‘rules’ seem to be more fluid and bendable than ever.
The word ‘open’ has a huge connection to where I’m going with this.
What I’ve witnessed in the last couple years is that open relationships (where intimacy isn’t exclusive) are becoming almost more common than traditional monogamous relationships.
But why?
Is there something missing from your relationship that you need an additional intimate outlet?
Is there a sexual compatibility issue?
Has it eventuated after a long period of time of monogamy and boredom?
Is the relationship looking at ending and this is a potential solution to keep it alive?
Has one particular partner initiated the conversation of the topic, and the other just wants to please their love?
Any or all of the above statements have been true in many of the people I’ve asked about this topic.
Obviously there has to be a certain level of trust that comes with allowing your relationship to extend the boundaries of intimacy, but how far can that trust go before someone inevitably wants to close it again? Or worse, wants out?
Having known many open couples that ‘seem’ content with their arrangements, I tend to ponder on two things;
-The longevity of the relationship,
-The honesty to not only ones’ partner, but to ones’ self.
It’s something, that whilst enticing and potentially exhilarating it may be, is not something I have the emotional ability to ever explore for myself.
Call me an old fashioned queer living in a modern world, but it’s not for the fear of being judged by others for my choices, but for the part of my soul that craves emotional connection with just one person. And for me to step outside of that, would be an injustice to my true desires.
But each individual has a different set of values, morals, and needs from a partner. And that is not for us to judge if it doesn’t align with our own. The only judgement we can make is whether or not they compliment us, or will inhibit us from being who we truly are.
Which brings us back to the ‘ick’.
When we do date, sometimes we keep our walls up to begin with, which can come across either as mysterious, dull, reserved, or even sometimes, present as a ‘challenge’.
I myself have made the mistake of being infatuated with the ‘challenge’ type. I know it’s game of cat and mouse, and to be honest, once you get the mouse, that desire is gone. Almost instantly. The ‘ick’ has arrived and there is nothing you can do about it.
If it does progress further beyond that, the first few dates are where we learn the most about eachother. It’s where we make a decision to continue investing time into someone, kill it, or for some people, let it fizzle out.
So how do we decipher the difference of lust over long term potential?
For starters, we can be honest. With both your date and yourself.
Know your own non-negotiable pre-requisites before your start drooling over their Instagram pictures.
For example;
My Red Flag Rules (the things that give me the ‘ick’ almost immediately)
-Do their values clash with what matter most to me? 🚩
-Can you foresee a compromise occurring relatively quickly in the relationship? 🚩
-Have they made more comments about my looks rather than my character? 🚩
-Have they actively asked questions to ascertain my character? No? 🚩
And then to top all that off, sometimes you just aren’t physically attracted to someone once you meet in person.
And that’s okay!
But you can do some ground work to see if they match up first with what matters most before you decide to have that date.
In a digital world where ‘love’ is depicted by a swipe right, it’s imperative to know who you are first and what you will and won’t stand for.
Don’t get caught up on the lust for someone who doesn’t compliment your true self. Doesn’t make them a bad person at all, it just makes them not your person.
Spend some time with yourself in this lockdown and know what your needs are first.
Love who you are, flaws and all.
Let those scars be your strength ❤️
Nats Perspective 